My journey with bliss incarnate… Bhagavan Ramana Maharishi
by Dr Pallavi Kwatra
My journey with Bhagwan is very brief in timeline frames, but never the less, I seem to have been living him for eons… from the time I can remember to be aware of my own existence as a being, Bhagwan has been around. As time passed on, I have come to realize the truth in his words, “guru’s grace works spontaneously and effortlessly and that once the devotee is in the grace, he is unlikely to be spared like being in the claws of the tiger”.
I first came to know of Bhagwan and Arunachala around 2014 when a college friend posted pictures of Arunachala from a train. I wondered what could be so important about a mountain and ignored it, dismissing it as some puny fable from the world of scriptures. in 2015, my spiritual life became a total mess as I had in my over zeal to get to the truth, got myself initiated into multiple spiritual disciplines… I was healing through energy modalities, and practicing kriya and hatha yoga and gulping on a large deal of spiritual readings… I was spending immense hours every day towards my saadhnas and suddenly felt weary and disillusioned with it all… I wondered that the truth must be something so simple and available to us all. why would one toil so much to reach who he essentially is. Maharishi appeared to enlighten me suddenly on similar notes through his book, “Talks with Ramana Maharishi”. My ordeals persisted with regard to my saadhnas and the longing for simplicity burnt and blazed like fire in me.
Through a mystic co incidence, on guru purnima day of 2015, I was made to accompany a devotee whom I knew barely for 4 hours through a wrong number telephone call, on a virtual tour to ramanashramam. he was there and kept me accompanied through a phone chat. A few months down the line, I was asked to accompany a group on a pilgrimage to thiruvanamallai. I consented. Two days before the trip, both my children developed dengue fever and my boss at work cancelled my leave saying that if I go, I would lose my job. I prevailed with a madness for Bhagwan and left for Thiruvanamallai. At the grivalam which we did on night, I was mesmerized with Arunachala and my whole body continued to be on fire. The trip was somewhat replete with mystical occurrences. When I sat in the old hall and the tamil parayana played in the background, I knew it was not my first visit and I had surely been there in some past lifetime. While there, I begged to be saved from my spiritual agony. By that time, I had 2 living gurus and now, to add to my misery… I had a third one.
After my trip, for many days… I experienced phases in which my mind stilled…however my agony continued and I devoted myself to my saadhnas like an alcoholic drug addict. Wanting to let go, but could not. To add to the mumbo jumbo; I had bhagwan who kept popping up in my consciousnesses all the time. Soon, I paid my first visit to Ramana Kendra, Delhi and I liked the peaceful ambience there. In a week ; where I had some time off from work, I visited the Kendra planning to do some sewa. I dint know what to do. So, I thought I’ll clean up the library shelves and that’s it. little did I know, I was up for a whole lot more. As I started opening the shelves of books and cleaning them, I found spiritual treasures and the library had no librarian and all the books were mixed up. In a meditative moment, I was guided to index and catalog the library… and so I set upon the task. in 7 days, almost single handedly, I classified the almost 10000 books there into new indexing, cleaned the shelves and put them back. It was an action, I as a mere mortal could never accomplish. it left me stunned. my devotion deepened and I started visiting the Kendra regularly. during the sessions… I found myself in divine trances, gazing into his eyes. I was asked to become a member in the body of members and I consented, happy to be of service.
In the meanwhile, me and my 11 other doctor friends were discussing spirituality over a what’s app group and I decided to compile the talks into a book. I had no clue how to go about it, but Bhagwan ensured the book happened within 2 odd months of its appearance in my consciousness. every time I touched the dimension of Bhagwan…my external life got mutated n a big way. Painful relationships fell away and the hold of desires began to lose its hold.I was suddenly beginning to feel free….so very free.
My mom who was ailing with life threatening illnesses for 6 months landed in the hospital and in the Icu. I saw her rotting body and mind. it brought me the urge to facilitate her liberation and one evening… I sat sternly before Bhagwan. Stubborn upon his consent for me to give her euthanasia. in a silent way, he consented and in the most humbling experience of my life…. I was present to assist in my mom’s liberation from the suffering of this body.
Bhagwan was a hard taskmaster and a loving parent to me… more like a grandparent… called him dada ji fondly. I never much did the enquiry of who am I as an intellectual exercise, but through many ways …he prodded me to know who I was not. Through Bhagwan;I encountered his loved ones and the most magical beings have come into my life from these associations. I got so much love from all the devotees that I was overwhelmed… I had always been a loner and had felt unloved but Bhagwan’s love water falled on me and drenched my soul…
On my second visit to Thiruvanamalai also, I felt it was home and I was in a fasting state. With minimal food and sleep, I was challenging a grivalam. I started menstruating on my grivalam and my hands swelled up bloody red. Intense agony gave way to intense bliss.
Around four months back, I had an urge to learn more about Sri vidya practices. but I was hesitant as I did not want to add to my spiritual confusions. All ready, I was just about to drop my deep vasnas to learn about various spiritual saadhnas and Sri vidya was not a joke. I did not want to go ahead without Bhagwan’s consent and behold through multiple directions…he himself guided my path to unfold Devi’s grace. the path is revealing itself to me beautifully with Devi and Bhagwan’s blessings.
My dad who was a saintly being…developed heart problem for which he got stented but unfortunately had severe bodily suffering. He soon came in the net of Shiva’s grace through Bhagwan and began to connect to Bhagwan’s grace. within 2 months of this, on the most auspicious day of Bhagwan’s maha nirvana, Bhagwan gave him the ultimate liberation; he passed over in his sleep…painlessly. I had no doubts on his liberation and the immense blessing of Bhagwan wrapped me such that sorrow did not touch even a single cell…. I was orphaned on the upfront but internally only I knew the immense blessing of Bhagwan for both my parents. There are many many more instances and the grace has spoken itself out in manifold ways.
This website formatting is another beautiful way the grace chooses to use me as Bhagwan’s metaphor. I bring it up like a child birthing out of me and yet knowing it’s not mine. Only the instrument and so so glad to be of such service and making this all happen.
Dr Pallavi Kwatra
Dr Pallavi Kwatra is a Delhi based anesthetist, the mother of two sweet girls and ……..
Author of :
- 9 months: from involution to evolution;
- Be love: a collection of spiritual erotic poetry;
- Musings of the awakening soul: a pictorial anthology